Fighting Islamisation - a Strangely Consequent Approach

My brother-in-law, Bob, was really upset the other day. He discovered that their new neighbours were Muslims.

"This needs to be stopped!" he said. "They move here, to a nice Christian neighbourhood..."
"Well, the couple across the street are atheists."
"Yes, but I'm sure they do not mean it. If they had to choose, I'm sure they would be Christians."
"Your next-door neighbours on the other side are also atheists, actually. And the Smiths further down the street. And the Joneses further up are Hindus."
"Yes, yes, but they are not Muslims. And that is the point. We non-Muslims need to stick together."
"Because you have zero confidence in Muslims?"
"Stop right there! I have little confidence in Muslims. Not zero. Zero is a concept we Westerners imported from the Muslim world eight hundred years ago. It is a Muslim idea, and we do not need it."
"We do not need the number zero? What about typing the year you were born, 1970?"
"That can easily be done with good Christian numerals: MXMCLPRSPQRX or something like that."
"Are you feeling well? I could get you a brandy."
"Never will I drink that disgusting Muslim drink."
"What? Muslims do not drink alcohol."
"True, but the chemical process of distillation is something we Westerners learnt from the Muslims during the middle ages. I will never drink any distilled drinks again."
"You need to sit down. Help yourself to some fruit, if you want to."
"Don't you have any non-Muslim fruits?"
"What?"
"Look in the bowl. Full of Muslim propaganda! Peaches, apricots, oranges..."
"... which we all got from the Muslims. I get the idea. A glass of water then? Or a cup of water, in case we learnt how to make glass from the Muslim world."
"A cup will be fine, thanks."
"Good. Lemon with that?"
"Lemon!"
"Sorry, probably something we got from the Muslims, right?"
"Absolutely. Like artichokes, aubergines, saffron and spinach."
"Well, I was not about to offer you any slice of spinach in your water."
"Fine!"

I went to the kitchen to get a cup of water without lemon or spinach. When I came back, Bob was busy tearing my nephew's pocket calculator apart with a penknife.

"Bob, what are you doing?!"
"Look at that! Sine, cosine, tangent, all Muslim inventions. I will remove the buttons from this sinful gadget."
"No, you will not. That sinful gadget is not yours."

I pulled the calculator from him and looked at it.

"You removed the division sign. Do you want to imply that we learnt division from the Muslims?"
"No. We Westerners have always been able to divide, as have all civilisations, I guess."
"And?"
"It is the slash to separate numerator and denominator that is a Muslim idea. We cannot have that, can we?"

I sighed and switched on the radio to get some music to calm down with. Bob immediately started to scream and covered his ears.

"Switch it off! Switch it off!"
"What now?"
"It is the Beatles!"
"And the Beatles were Muslims?"
"No, but they play guitars. Guitars are measly Muslim instruments that were brought to Europe through Spain in the middle ages."

I switched channels.

"And what about Johann Sebastian Bach's incredibly Christian Mass in B-minor? I can hardly think of any more Christian piece of music."
"This is nothing to joke about." Bob rushed up and switched it off. "The violin has its roots in the Muslim instrument rebab. I refuse to listen to that Islamic noise. No symphony orchestras when I'm around, please!"

When he rushed up, he dropped the cup of water on his shirt. I offered to lend him a dry shirt of mine, but he pointed out that cotton was brought to the West by Muslims. I offered to go to the pharmacy around the corner, to buy him some sedatives, but he pointed out that pharmacies were a Muslim invention.

"Bob," I finally cried. "You are mad. You are nuts. There is no reason in anything you say. You should be locked up in an asylum."
"Yes," he answered. "Yes. Yes and No."
"What?"
"Yes, I am mad. And I am proud of it. There have been mad people around in the West since the beginning of time. It is a good old Christian state of mind. However, the idea that one should take care of the mad people in asylums, that is an invention from the Muslim world, just like other hospitals, so I absolutely refuse to be treated in an asylum."